So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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