Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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