it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
