Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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