he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
