Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We're like a lot better than the average bears
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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