Im at strip club and am horny
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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