im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
