as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i think my cat just said my name.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize