I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
