Your dad touched me again.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
