Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
