Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
