All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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