I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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