A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Holy sore nipples Batman
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
