There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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