I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
