Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
God gave him joint rollers for hands
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
