textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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