I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
