Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I need water and some morals
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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