youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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