Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
