I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
