Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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