Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
