I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
