A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I will be naked everywhere
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
