I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize