I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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