the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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