a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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