My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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