she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
