Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
