The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
