Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
