this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
