I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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