Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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