why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
