Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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