i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
