You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
