remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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