watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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