If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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