I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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