Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
