Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
