My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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