You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
