omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
