also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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